“I am a designer.”
This is a weird sentence to say for me. I don’t really feel like one; maybe that’s common amongst designers. This feeling has been haunting me for a long time, and I thought maybe I get to the bottom of it by writing down my thoughts. The best way to get to the bottom of something is probably to go back to the beginning. So, buckle up and join me on the roller-coaster ride through my train of thoughts.
It was the year 2012 and my mother persuaded me for whatever reason to participate in the school magazine. I was like “okay, why not”. The current person who layouted the school magazine wanted to resign, and I was the person who should step in her shoes. While she spent a few hours explaining the program InDesign to me, the word design stuck with me for the first time. From this time on design was something layout-ish to me; be it magazines, flyers or posters.
A designer is someone who structures information in a shinier polished way. Nice.
Two years later I had my first ‘life crisis’, because I never had any idea what I wanted to be and one day this realisation hit me hard. People my age surrounding me had at least one idea at some point in their life what they wanted to become, even if it was as unrealistic as being a princess or more shooting for the stars as being an astronaut. I had no idea.In my head was only a blank space waiting to be filled in. I did not have to wait that long to fill it with some letters, because one day a book with a cool cover fell into my hands and this sparked the idea to become someone who has something to do with this. I researched a little and the bachelor communication design was the result. Again, the word design in the title of the bachelor stuck with me. The description of the bachelor said something like “translating complex content” and I added it to my view on design.
A designer is a form of a translator. Valid to me.
Finally, 2019 and my bachelor’s in communication design begins. Wuhu. One the first day of the study the head of the university gave a speech. He mentioned things like “you are the people who will shape the tomorrow” and “designers can change the world”. When I heard that I was like “yeah, sure”. Up until this point my understanding from design was to structure and translate complicated information in an understandable way. The jump to the ability to change the world was too exaggerated for me. It didn’t fit into my head.
A designer has the power to change the world? I doubt it.
During my bachelor’s too many definitions what design is and what a designer does were added. My head was spinning. When I thought back the first concept of design I learned, it was so easy to comprehend and now the more I learn about it the fuzzier, incomprehensible and undefinable it gets. It was hard at least for me to call myself a designer when I couldn’t even explain it to my grandma. Can you? Sometimes I think it is cool that design and designer seem to be so undefinable, but at the same time I get frustrated with it. Even though I had not the words for it, I tried to explain it to my grandma the best I could, but I never was satisfied with my explanations. In the end I thought of something generic like:
A designer is someone who can do something. Wow, that is so specific.
By the end of my bachelor’s, I was tired of the design bubble. Debates about what design is and what designers do, felt meaningless. I needed a break, so I joined the rescue service and patient transportation. Maybe people outside of this design world could show me what design really means. Spoiler: they couldn’t.
Instead, I got a reality check. Outside the design world, most people don’t get what design is, just like us. We often have to justify our value, and the gap between how important designers sometimes think they are and how unimportant they’re perceived can be jarring. It feels like we live in our own universe, constantly trying to explain why it matters.
For me, that became exhausting. The more I tried to explain, the more I questioned what I was doing. Especially without a clear definition of what a designer even is. What did I learn from stepping out of the bubble?
A designer often takes him/herself way too seriously. And yes, I include myself in that.
Quick jump to 2024: I’m back in the design world. I still don’t fully understand it. But I like it, that’s why I returned. I started a Master’s in Eco-Social Design. Early on, they told us they didn’t really know what that meant either, but we’d do it anyway. I found that refreshing.
I had no expectations of finally understanding what design or designer means, I’d already given up on that. And I thought the terms couldn’t get blurrier in my head. What can I say. I was wrong. Here, we talk about everything being designed: laws, democracy, bodies, lives. What? If everyone designs their life, is everyone a designer? And if so, why call me one?
Words are supposed to define things, create shared meaning. But design and designer feel endlessly vague. People keep trying to redefine them, which is great, but honestly, I’ve stopped caring. Designers redesign design constantly. Is it the imposed fate of the concept design to never conclude? I know it’s contradictory: frustrated by the lack of clarity, yet indifferent to all the redefinitions. Maybe I’ve just accepted that design can mean everything… and nothing.
A designer is everything and nothing. That is somehow empowering and humbling at the same time, isn’t it?
So, what do I think now? Design and designer got over the last 200 years bloated in their meaning and can explain nearly everything. What is religion? Essentially people designed rituals and social rules so people can live better together. What about our current democracy? We designed it with laws, institutions, structures and we can redesign it. How about changing your appearance? You can go to a beauty doc and redesign yourself. Essentially a surgeon is a designer who can design your body. What do you want to do in the future? Go to a professional life coach or so and the person will help you design your future. What is a politician? Basically, a designer who is part of designing laws and regulations.
A designer is everyone. So, then: I am a designer. But still, I feel weird about it.
Maybe it’s time to start heading toward the end of this mental rollercoaster. So, why do I feel weird about it? Looking back, probably the main two reason I’ve feel now uneasy calling myself a designer are these: firstly, this concept of a designer is incredibly vague. It is hard for me to fully identify with it because the word carries so many meanings and layers. Sure, I can choose the definitions that resonate with me, and I feel comfortable with, but that leads to the second reason: whenever I tell someone I’m a designer, they probably have a completely different idea of what that means. Words are one of the base bricks for communication. Isn’t it weird when in a conversation the idea of designer can be between “a designer makes things look nice” to “everyone is a designer”? To paint maybe an even a clearer picture: it is like the character Evelyn from the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once (Kwan & Scheinert, 2022) has a conversation with herself. One Evelyn is the person from the beginning of the movie, who has not experienced a lot (like someone who has not a lot of touchpoints with the profession design). The other Evelyn is from the end, who has experienced everything-everywhere-all-at-once (that’s how I feel). Now picture both Evelyns introducing themselves by saying “I am Evelyn” (which stands for “I am a designer” in this analogy). Even though they use the same words, the depth and meaning behind them are completely different. This huuuuge gap is what makes me feel weird about calling myself a designer.
How does that make you feel?
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amalia-s-gutmann-28a09326b
References
Kwan, D., & Scheinert, D. (Regisseure). (2022). Everything Everywhere All at Once [Film]. A24.